Bulk Up Your Blog
Alternatively you can bulk up your blog by pasting in your msn messenger histories. But I'm not doing that again its too fiddly. But just in the name of bold experimentation, here's the conversation I had with G while doing my last entry.

H
Hi G, I am living the life of a nun these days. Send me a message to brighten up my chaste life

G
Apparently chastity is good for you!

H
oh yeah?

G
Well, I'm certainly enjoying it....^o)

H
Like the face its good.

G
So things ain't too good with you

H
Actually they're ok, but b-o-o-o-ring

G
At the mo, I'm happy with boring. I've got enough on my plate1

H
like what?

G
The sale of my house has gone tits up and my carreer has taken a downhill. In the meantime I'm playing a cagey game with somebody in an effort to start something off.

H
Forget cagey it sucks.

H
How is your career going downhill?

G
I'm doing anything which stimulates my mind. I can feel myself sinking into stupidity..

H
You not stupid. You clever!

G
Yeah, and I need intellectual stimulation! Instead, I have a line managed with the technical ability of a whelk and who is so Civil Service that he has OHMS tattooed on his head!

H
oh dear

H
who you being cagey with?

G
There is a woman who works on my floor who I get on really well with. Went to lunch with her on Xmas Eve and the time really flew. I really do like her, but, typicaly I don't know whether the feeling is mutual. To be honnest I feel like I'm a teenager again.

G
You know what I mean? The "Does he/she like me " bit

H
no because unfortunately i am mental and just assume that everyone is secretly in love with me

H
i know it makes no sense so there you go

H
ask her out you pussy

G
Out on Thusday night after work!

H
well done you

G
Yeah, wait and see...

H
just act jolly, she thinks you're cool

H
don't go on about your divorce

G
I have no intentions to

H
oops sorry

G
Anyhow, how come you are at home?

H
j has flu, so I'm off work looking after him

H
I'm writing my blog

G
Scuse my stupidity, but I've heard of them, but what are they?

H
online diary. its been going for ages. there is a very full and frank description of a night i spent with you last year in it. but i aint telling u the url!

H
i've just discovered how to paste text messages from my phone into it which adds a whole new dimension

G
Sounds cool. I'll have to start one of these. Where do I start?

H
www.blogger.com

H
its all free and really excellent system.

H
just watch you stay anonymous if you want to tell the truth

G
I'll have to give it a go!

G
Anyhow, I really must get on with some work.

G
However bloody inane it is..

G
Catch you later

H
bye

H
p.s. i am already dying to read your blog. don't put anything horrible about me and then you can tell me where it is

Technology!
I am doing this mainly because I can. I can get text messages straight off my phone and into my blog. How 21st century is that?

Well I think I can. Lets try it with a perfect illustration of how crap men are. I was being superbly distant to A by not texting for 2.5 weeks, unfortunately he failed to keep his side of the bargain by remaining superbly distant himself. So... convincing myself this was just a jaunty throwaway cool type thing to do, I texted him at teatime yesterday:

How are you doing? I am really shy of you now

To which he feebly replied:

No need to be. Im ok, nearly! Am away Sat but around friday.

Now what the frig am I supposed to do with that? First instinct was to text back "So?" but it has been proven that my first instincts suck. So I called my friend Nix and asked her what to do and see said "Ignore him till he comes up with something better". We further arranged to hit the town on Friday so that I wasn't available anyway should he actually come up with a firm suggestion. But I think it more likely that I will just wait and wait and wait in the manner of Greyfriars Bobby sitting forever on his dead master's gravestone. Hey! a rare link opportunity!http://www.greyfriarsbobby.co.uk/ Let His Loyalty and Devotion be a lesson to Us All

More to say! But not now!

Healing Power

I missed Ian so badly yesterday that I gave into it & spent ages thinking of his funny little ways, funny little mean things he said, charming little symptoms of mental illness etc. I missed him so it hurt though I do think this may be related to the recent incredible boredom of my life.

Late at night I gave into my deepest darkest obssessive yearnings and trawled through his website http://m-reading.co.uk seeing if there were any photoes of him hidden between his candid shots of younguns showing their tits (he's a photographer, a CLASSY one mind you). Now everyone knows who is he is, but HA HA I don't care. I found a few, the most helpful being this one



That's him on left. Looking exactly like Bernard Cribbins but with piggier eyes. The Healing Power of the Internet! Never again will I be able to imagine he's gorgeous! I will meet him in a year's time and go - whatever did I see in THAT!

In fact, now I think about it, all my shaggees are pot-ugly. I see a special something in the most unpromising material.

Or is it just that I take what I can get looks-wise, and then try and retro-fit a special something, just so that I don't feel that I am so desperate.

Possible thing to think about there. One of these days I'm going to actually write about an actual sexual experience.

Nothing much to say

This is the ideal location for a blog about sex, I'm in bed with my new shiny viao.

I am going crazy not having any text action. Let alone any actual flesh action.

I feel like Little Bo Peep.

Leave them alone and they'll come home
Wagging their willies before them.

Meaning that if I ignore them long enough all my various chaps will start to beg me for a change. Already I see signs, but this waiting is pissing me off. But I've put myself in a position where I can't contact any of them because I pestered them all too much.

G left me a message on msn last night.

R hung around his back door tonight but if he won't text me I'm not going to hang round mine. He has developed a language of the back door and it means something when he leaves his back door open. But I don't know what it means.

A hasn't texted

I hasn't replied to my email.

D is in exile, giving me space at my request. I was getting tired of his declarations of love.

Not sure who to fantasise about when I get Bob out. I is no use because I am trying to get over him. A is no use because as soon as I get something started I remember some horrendous gaffe I have made & the embarassment puts me off. Always struggled to fantasise about R. And don't want to shag D or G at the mo.

An Addict No More?
The weirdest thing, I have now been without sex or fruity texting for about 10 days and I think I may have gone off it.

I have reverted to a shy virginal state last experienced aged 15. I know this because I went all nervous when AM was standing in my way when I tried to get into the office. I muttered "Get out of my way then" just like I did aged 15.

Come to think, its a bit of a thrill to have copped off with someone who makes me nervous because I generally feel like the senior partner in my sexy couplings. I dare not even fantasise about him because it seems so rude and disrespectful. And hopeful considering what an utter twat I have been.

He is buff though. Can you say that about blokes? Got a really loud voice, like me. We would have no secrets that's for sure!

Crikey!
Crikey, I sent it. I feel brave but I feel scared.

Yesterday something nice happened. AM the English teacher finally came back to work after being poorly all this time. My first contact with him after he told me to leave me alone because I was pestering him by text that fateful Sat night while drunk. Oh my God I actually asked if I could sleep with him. Worse. I asked him again after he said no.

I was prepared to meet him, was planning to hold my head high and be all light charming slightly distant etc. Because what other strategy was available?

It was cool though. He came into my lesson on the feeble pretext of seeing how my student was getting on and stood right behind me faking an interest in our document about the back of a pc. Later when he left he lurked in the doorway of the IT room in an adolescent way which looked cute on an anarchist in his fifties. He said goodbye to the girl I was teaching who replied "Why the hell are you saying goodbye to me?". Then he said "Goodbye Miss I'll see you soon, I'm on the mend now". I flashed a hopefully brilliant smile and said "That's good news".

So that cheered me up.

I'll make this entry pink.

Greatly Simplified Email
And here's a greatly simplified one that I just wrote. To consider sending tomorrow.

Hi Ian,
I have got over being hurt now. I don't want things to end so nastily between us.

Never mind who did what. I know I have a lot of faults, and I know its not my place to go pointing out what is wrong with you.

I just want you to know that you are funny & clever & incredibly sexy & best of all, you are not boring. I think you will be a big success. I hope that your March/April crash surprises you by not coming at all. I am glad I met you.

I hope things go well for you & if you ever need me for anything just ask.

Love,
Helen

Over the Top Email
Once again I fail to follow through with a plan. Instead here's a completely wrong email that I wrote last night. For once, I used some sense and didn't send it till I had thought about whether it was a good thing to do. In the morning I saw that it was not good. Writing it made me cry but I felt better after. A cathartic thing


Dear IM
I know that emailing you makes me look like the desperate stalking woman I so clearly am, but fuck it I’ve nothing to lose. Just got to do a post-mortem because, well, I’m just like that, and from the moment I met you I wanted to attempt communication with you. I hate to be misunderstood and I think you misunderstand me big time. I can’t stop thinking about you and I thought if I bore you with how I feel then I can move on.

Please don’t read this and start cussing me, saying I’m a rotten bitch etc. It is supposed to convey the fact that I think you are great and I miss you.

God knows why I would want to make you feel better after you rejected me in such a heartless way, but I do. I wish you could hear all the things I’ve said to you without your characteristic paranoia and self-absorption, and you would hear that all the nasty, awful, fucking horrible etc stuff was laden with affection for you.

I don’t find you perfect or even close. In fact, it is you who is awful but in a way that is adorable to me. I think you are funny & smart & so interesting it hurts & devastatingly sexy.
You were probably wise to be terrified of me, because if you had let me anywhere near you I would have instantly fallen in love with you.

I was gutted to find how little you thought of me, but if I hadn’t been delusional about you I would have spotted it weeks ago. But there is no point getting all bitter about it. I am developing my own special branch of mental illness where the sufferer believes that anyone they fancy is secretly in love with them DEEP DOWN. It is always a bummer being made to face up to your symptoms but hey-ho its probably good for me.

I know I need to be less full on and intense and impulsive and mad. I blurt things out when I shouldn’t. I want everything this goddam minute. I get angry if anyone disagrees with me about anything. I show off and I think I’m it. I am fickle beyond belief. I am totally unable to resist temptation including willies. I say nasty things when my feelings are hurt. I am so up and down its not even charming. Come to think of it, it might be that I am quite difficult myself. That’s a possibility. Maybe I should attempt to change, but I might as well attempt to have different colour eyes or be a bit shorter.

So amazingly it turns out I am taking some responsibility for how things ended between us.

I want you take this on board because there is no spin on it. You are gorgeous. I have only good feelings for you. I know you will be a big success. I hope your expected crash of March/April surprises you by never coming. You will be OK.
Love,
Helen

Spectacularly Crap Night Out (Preamble)
Haven’t posted for months. But last night was so desperate that I have to write in an attempt to dissipate the horror.

Interesting Medical Note: I think I have discovered a new branch of Mental Illness in which the sufferer believes that her victims are all secretly in love with her in spite of clear evidence to the contrary. I will call this Dolores Syndrome. A Dolorean may, for example, attempt to visit a “boyfriend” at 3am, believing the locked door and arrival of police van to be a mere flirtatious gambit.

Till last night there were a few Lucky Chaps on my shag rota but I awoke this morning to find I had jettisoned them all in an orgy of inappropriate texting and drunken excess. Here are the chaps in order of Recent Significance.

IM: who has obsessed me strangely since I met him in the summer. I found him up his own arse in a bar and, taking an instant dislike to him, started to text him and ultimately shag him. When he’d have it.

AM: an English teacher who I copped off with at the end of term party 3 weeks ago. Next day he developed a kidney infection which has blighted our union ever since.

R: my Sun reading next door neighbour, who, unlike all these other blokes, does NOT suffer from depression. Top bloke who I slept with just once. He claims he doesn’t want to do it again so probably gay. Not really. Has scraped me off floor time and again and I Love My Neighbour.

D: the same D that’s in the previous posts. After meeting IM, I suddenly tired of him and dumped him. Once he realised I meant it, he began to text and phone with a fierce love that was missing all those years that I wanted it.

G: Crumbs, he’s there in previous posts too. Got close to him on MSN where I listened to stories of his depression. I gently told him that I would never sleep with him again. Next night, after a shagless week, invited him over at 1am. When he arrived, I was devastated to find that he wasn’t attractive enough but manners made me go through with it. So that’s positive news in a way: my standards got higher in 2004.