Strange New Sensation

What is this feeling? Its a hotness engulfing my neck and cheeks and ears. There' s a pulse I never noticed before and its beating fast somewhere unexpected - in my forehead. My lips form words and if you listen hard you hear the words, the same words again and again and again. Hark! Above the whispering of the warm June breeze, hear me breathing "Fuck... Fuck.... Fuck.. Oh No...Oh No.. Kill Me". I think I remember this feeling, though I haven't had it for years and thought I would never suffer its merciless rhythms again. Hello redness, my old friend.

I am embarrassed.

I will tell why in my trademark overly wordy way, starting a few days ago, in those sweet pre-embarrassment days.

I was reviewing my sex life of the past year, in my head not in the National Press, and it occurred to me that it was ages since anyone new entered my sexual landscape. I keep raking over the same collection of sad old losers, and while they're all terribly sweet in their way, if I don't get some new men on board I am in danger of stagnation. I am rubbish at jettisoning exes, I can never resist keeping them on retainer just in case.

So I made a decision to wave bye to them all, so as to free me up to meet someone new. But, they sense it, you know, before you've even announced it, and suddenly all the blokeys start being interesting and demanding.

So G starts to plague me, trying every more desperate ploys to engage me, will u be my agony aunt? can i take u out to dinner, I'll pay! can we just talk, no strings! how about the cinema? walk the dog?
D starts to plague me with a blend of accusations, sexual harassment, devotion and bottles of wine.
But more gob-smackingly than that, Ade has a text conversation with me, that involves feelings, regret and a confession that he is a sucker for romance but no good at it. A conversation that involved about 10 messages, answered at lightning speed. This is tantamount to riding off together on his motorbike and getting married, when you take into account his terror of getting involved.

So I was kinda interested by that and could not resist crowing to SSA, since she has been acting as our incredibly pushy cupid (see the blog entry about that, not sure when it was). So this evening I sent her a text "Have you been coaching Ade? I almost had a proper conversation with him".

Just before I did that I was reading the last text Ade sent me. When I selected "Send", I naturally expected my phone to ask me who to? But it didn't. It just sent the fucker.

Five seconds passed while I went "What? Huh? But.. Huh?". Then I knew. I had sent it to Ade. I walked up the garden then down then up then down. All I could do was, well - nothing. I attempted to pull myself together, but failed as you can tell by what I did next

1. Sent Ade another text saying "Fuck. I didn't did I? Fuck. I CAN EXPLAIN. Fuck"
2. Attempted to create a story about a different Ade and me getting Ade confusion, but realised there was no way that was going to fly.
3. (This is MORONIC) Phoned D to ask if I had sent him an unexpected text.
4. Phoned SSA and begged her to admit that I had just sent her a text. Told her whole story and asked what I should do? She said I was an idiot and should tell the truth. Told her her big mouth is implicated in truth. She said, so be it. She went on to say Ade's recent paranoia is particularly roused by the belief that everyone at work is talking about him.

While completing step 4, Ade texts back "That's OK. Who did you mean to text?"

So I said:

"SSA. She has a fixation about me & u getting together. I'm really really sorry. But if you're all fascinating and mysterious then you're going to get talked about. I want to die of shame."

And that concludes my relationship, text or otherwise, with the Saturnine but sexy drama teacher. Well I said I was moving on. Just could have chosen a less twatty method.

P.S.

The Comedian I Didn't Go To Norway With: http://www.comedycv.co.uk/nickwilty/

How It Really Was

http://m-reading.co.uk/archive/june/purple_turtle_june.htm shows my actual facial expression when encountering Ian's camera. I am currently involved in an orgy of MSN, attended by almost everyone I know. Apart from my darling Mystery Dude of course. Kisses to you my sweety.

Text messages from D to deal with also. I am suffering from a surfeit of animal magnetism, brought on no doubt by the Summer Solstice.

Next page on m-reading has 2 terrible photos of me, the first interesting because Easily Offended of Whitley is grinning as I tell Ian to fuck off. The second interesting because it contains Nix and an extra chin that has been cruelly air-brushed on where fresh air usually wafts.

I cannot concentrate because I am being multiply wooed as I write. Come back to me MD, play Scrabble with me and keep me from this Bosch-style hell. Hieronymous that is, not power drill.

I know I will never catch up, but I could one day mention:

I Matchmake The Neighbours
Ade's Descent Into Hell
G goes all grovelly, and then pervy (again)
I Become Legendary Amongst the Hairdressers of Caversham
D Will Not Leave Me Alone

But got to go now before my head explodes.

Too Darn Hot

This weekend has been baking hot, always bad news for us SAs. Sweaty, sticky, tossing, turning - just talking about the weather includes a whole load of potentially exciting vocab.

Went to Jongleurs last night to try and cheer up a colleague of mine. I was in a pathologically flirtatious mood and attempted to charm taxi drivers both ways (successful, one of them refusing a tip on the grounds that my smile was thanks enough), one of the stand-up comics just after he came off stage (less successful, but he did laugh politely & said he would love to but he had to go to Norway that minute. He was a nice guy tho, and I briefly considered stalking him all the way to Norway) and the compere (abject failure, bastard, didn't get me at all). Also shouted "Ian" across the street as he fannied around outside the P&P, and he smiled a load and waved like he was really happy to see me. "WOW" said colleague, "He is REALLY happy to see you", but then her middle name is Sweetness.

Some teenagers stole my mobile last night, after I left it on a bench in the park during a walk with my dog. I had been reading a mucky text from D. Realising what I had done half an hour later, I ran back and asked teens had they seen phone perchance? They said no but they thought they had seem someone else jack it. Hmmmm, I thought, but I was cool and thanked them for their vigilance, and asked them to learn from my experience and take better care of their own phones, and prayed that they never found themselves in the bitter situation in which I now found myself . With one last over-the-top thank you I left in a sad way, and half an hour later they phoned D and told him they had found his friend's phone and had left it in the hairdressers for me to collect. Which just goes to show once again that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. The slightly disturbing downside to this whole experience is that the neighbourhood teens have read my Inbox and now know more about my sex life than any other human being, including you, dear Reader. I am well chuffed that they found it in their hearts to give my phone back tho. Big up to the local yoot! Tenner definitely coming their way.

Gave in to some terrible primeval urge last night and teased G like hell on MSN. He was begging me. Heh heh heh. Smatter of fact, he's just come back online, and poses the interesting question "What makes you think I'm a perv?" I will just sort him out and maybe write some more in a bit.

See you XX

Another Snapshot

What a fiendishly stressful day, filled with stupid stuff that isn't sexy at all.

Here's a cool thing that happened yesterday.

I was on the way to Lidl in my lidl car, stopped at the lights in a 5 o'clock queue. I had the window down, music on really loud and I was singing, well yelling "Am I dreaming now? Walking on the moon? I don't know how to reach you baby" when a giant motorbike drew up next to me. I was struck by the niceness of the rider's legs which was about all I could see and tried to think of something funny to shout. He bent down and said "Your music is very loud, woman". I went "Hello!" in a voice more girly and delighted than I could usually do, for it was Ade. "You OK?" he said, then VROOOOOM he was off under the railway bridges.

There's an Ade back plot going on, but first its Competition Time. Correctly identify the song in the previous paragraph for a personal email from me, packed with secret information not available in the blog.

So about Ade...

One of my colleagues who is also a good friend, let's call her SSA because that's her job and almost her name, has developed an obsession with me and Ade and How We Should Be Together. She works with Ade 2 mornings a week and is quite close to him and disturbingly, they talk...

She's been on at me for weeks to keep trying with him because we are PERFECT for each other and he's had a really HARD TIME and NEEDS A FRIEND and WHY DON'T I JUST POP ROUND? and HAVE I NO HEART AT ALL? and GIVE HIM A BREAK!!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! he is DRINKING TOO MUCH AND DON'T SAY I SAID BUT I THINK HE IS TAKING DRUGS!!!

She's so extreme, I texted her to tell her to shut up, it was all over ages ago and HE DOESN'T FANCY ME!!!
She goes "Soz"
Then 2 minutes later "BUT ITS SUCH A SHAME BECAUSE YOU ARE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER!!!"
I phoned to ask what she was on. "Please please please just be his friend" she pleaded. "You LOVE him, I know you do, and I love you both, please please please"

What's it all mean? I dunno. But I surrendered and texted Ade to tell him he could phone and talk whenever he wanted x . To which he replied thanks, he would do that very soon x". That was last week, so I guess its very soon, as in never.

Bitter irony, I want to borrow his Romeo and Juliet video for teaching purposes. But now I can't ask him because it will make me look all stalkery.

My Perfect Moment

Lots going on here but its all gravy.

Had a great night out with Nix on Saturday. Trailed around town and ended up in the Turtle where I scored big. At the time I took this as a sign of my continuing gorgeousness, but I was just hit by an unwelcome thought - maybe EVERYONE scores big in the Turtle, its the whole point of the Turtle.

Be that as it may -

I have a moment etched into my mind which looks like a Lautrec painting of the Moulin Rouge.
I was at the bar buying 2 beers, watched longingly by a tall creepy guy on one side, who'd just spun me a load of rubbish one-liners involving the word "good-looking", and on the other side by a rough yet easily-offended guy from Whitley who kept saying he had to go and sit over there if I wanted to come over. A further guy had just struck up a conversation and I had replied with something that made him laugh. Just as I turned from the bar holding the beers, the laughing guy still laughing, I came face to face with Ian's camera, taking the photo I had never let him take of me.

Let me explain. He cruises Reading's night spots taking photos for m-reading.co.uk . This is one of the activities he refers to as "working". So he was "working".

He chased me around for a bit with the camera though we didn't talk at all. Arrogant pretentious mentally-ill self-harming control freak though he is, I do still find him ridiculously sexy. Freaked out by his great big lens, I backed away from him stuck 2 fingers up and mouthed "fuck off" at him. "Yeah that's good" he drawled in his poncey way, "Give me some more of that" - click click click.

The night finished with me getting in a taxi with a random bloke (Easily Offended of Whitley), after a kinda passionate spell in the graveyard, painfully close to the site of several sweet moments with Ian last year, and even closer to the terrible bj incident of 2002.

Oh no, I've killed my good mood by mentioning the terrible bj incident of 2002. I haven't the heart to explain properly, but I took a random bloke who claimed to be 27 but was more like 21 by the hand to a dark spot and sucked him off. It was exciting and he was thrilled, but when I got home I cried all night. I hated that I had sunk so low.

Oh bugger, now I got to go to bed with my lowness on my mind.